I’ve been back at work for exactly two weeks and this is the first time I’ve cried while leaving Charlotte. Isn’t it supposed to get easier?
There are days when all I want to do is wake up and hang out with Charlie all day. When I was on maternity leave, there were days when we would just eat, play, and nap. I’d leave the house a mess, stay in my pj’s and just hang out with my baby girl. That’s what I wanted this morning.
She woke up bright and early in such a playful mood – she’s so amazing in the morning. She was talkative, giggly and throwing me some serious smiles. She’s starting to make all sorts of new sounds, one of which is a cross between clearing her throat and squealing (I LOVE it). I always spend a little time in the morning just hanging out in bed and playing with her. Usually, mornings like this leave me in such a great mood and I’m able to leave home feeling good but today, I just wanted to stay home and experience it all day.
I always say that I could never be a stay at home mom because I’d probably be bored, I like working, I need adult interaction, etc. but sometimes I think the only reason I say I could never stay at home is because it’s not even remotely a possibility for me. I’ve consistently held a job for the last ten years of my life except for a semester in Spain where I ran out of money and had to beg my parents to send me more. I hated not having my own income then and I would hate it even more now.
I hate struggling financially so I HAVE to work. In my last month of maternity leave we had to use the credit cards we worked so hard to pay off while I was pregnant. Living paycheck to paycheck, draining our savings and charging things left and right is not the kind of life I want for myself or my family. And you know what? I want to be able to buy the more expensive local milk over the much cheaper store brand and not feel guilty about it. I know some families make it work by pinching every penny but I don’t want to just squeak by.
As much as I like being home with Charlie, I want to be able to give her a comfortable life. I’m not talking spoiled but if she needs money for a class trip or something, I want to be able to hand it over without any worries and I want to take amazing family vacations. The truth is, I do like my job but if I could have all these things without working, I probably would stay at home. At least for the first few years of her life.
I guess I’m just trying to remind myself why I’m here pumping and not at home nursing Charlie.