Working Mom Blues

I’ve been back at work for exactly two weeks and this is the first time I’ve cried while leaving Charlotte. Isn’t it supposed to get easier?

There are days when all I want to do is wake up and hang out with Charlie all day. When I was on maternity leave, there were days when we would just eat, play, and nap.  I’d leave the house a mess, stay in my pj’s and just hang out with my baby girl. That’s what I wanted this morning.

She woke up bright and early in such a playful mood – she’s so amazing in the morning. She was talkative, giggly and throwing me some serious smiles. She’s starting to make all sorts of new sounds, one of which is a cross between clearing her throat and squealing (I LOVE it). I always spend a little time in the morning just hanging out in bed and playing with her. Usually, mornings like this leave me in such a great mood and I’m able to leave home feeling good but today, I just wanted to stay home and experience it all day.

I always say that I could never be a stay at home mom because I’d probably be bored, I like working, I need adult interaction, etc. but sometimes I think the only reason I say I could never stay at home is because it’s not even remotely a possibility for me. I’ve consistently held a job for the last ten years of my life except for a semester in Spain where I ran out of money and had to beg my parents to send me more. I hated not having my own income then and I would hate it even more now.

I hate struggling financially so I HAVE to work. In my last month of maternity leave we had to use the credit cards we worked so hard to pay off while I was pregnant. Living paycheck to paycheck, draining our savings and charging things left and right is not the kind of life I want for myself or my family. And you know what? I want to be able to buy the more expensive local milk over the much cheaper store brand and not feel guilty about it.  I know some families make it work by pinching every penny but I don’t want to just squeak by. 

As much as I like being home with Charlie, I want to be able to give her a comfortable life. I’m not talking spoiled but if she needs money for a class trip or something, I want to be able to hand it over without any worries and I want to take amazing family vacations. The truth is, I do like my job but if I could have all these things without working, I probably would stay at home. At least for the first few years of her life.

I guess I’m just trying to remind myself why I’m here pumping and not at home nursing Charlie.

 

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