I was prepared to talk about mourning the loss of my natural homebirth but something happened at my ultrasound appointment that I wasn’t expecting. First, a little back story. I’ve been avoiding the topic of childbirth because I’ve been in limbo between a homebirth and a cesarean birth for the past few months. When I went for the anatomy scan back in December, my placenta was low lying. My midwife assured me that it was nothing to worry about so I never gave it another thought. At the next ultrasound, about 4 weeks ago, my placenta was slightly covering my cervix. I was devastated when I heard the words “placenta previa”. For those who don’t know, placenta previa is when the placenta is covering the cervix. Basically, it’s blocking Charlie’s way out of me! The thought of having to give up my vaginal birth for a cesarean scared me to death. I have been fantasizing about my birth and labor experience for months. Long before I was pregnant, even. Conor and my midwife convinced me not to worry about it yet. There was still time for the placenta to move up and away from my cervix.
That brings us to today. I officially have complete placenta previa. It was the last thing I thought I wanted to hear but I’m actually fine with it. The ultrasound was absolutely incredible today. We got to see Charlie’s face! Our daughter has a face! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. I didn’t know that plain old ultrasounds could show such detail. She has the fattest cheeks and the cutest little nose. Her mouth was moving as if she was trying to say hi. It blew me away. Seeing her for that brief moment really changed something in me. It made me realize that I don’t care how she gets here, I just want her here. Period.
I’m still disappointed that I won’t be able to catch her myself and place her directly on my chest. I pictured that time to be extremely private and intimate. Just me, Conor and our daughter together as a family for the first time in our own home. Our first moments together may not be as romantic as I originally envisioned but they’ll still be incredibly special. I’m not going to mourn the loss of my homebirth. Instead, I’m feeling grateful for modern medicine and that Charlie will be delivered safely into this world.
I can’t wait to meet her.